3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
