She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
