i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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