I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
