I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
