____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Randomize
