I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
