omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
