So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
