I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
