remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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