We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
