..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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