I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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