Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize