All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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