While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
