Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
