I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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