Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
