I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
