I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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