my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
