Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
