It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
