I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
