I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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