Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
