he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
