I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
