Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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