you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
