I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
