My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
