I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
