He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
