just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
