remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
