I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
