I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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