I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
