Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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