So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
