I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
