meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
