Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
