Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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