onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
