Only a mothe r could love this liver
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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