I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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